Filling the void or avoiding the work.
When we are moved to change things up in our lives – leave a job, get a new degree, move town – we can often be motivated by what’s not working. What we’re not getting. Why things don’t feel good.
This maneuver is often built upon the subtle thinking that “if I have things that way, then I’ll be happy.” This strategy is a quick path to depriving ourselves of joy in the present moment. It reinforces an underlying belief that I am not happy now, nor can I be. I call these ‘if-thens’.
Right now it seems like everyone I speak with is looking to make big changes. They’re seeking something beyond themselves because something within themselves or their business is in pain.
And this is where I step in. Rather than moving forward from a place of reaction to current or past circumstances, we want to move from a place of understanding why those circumstances were created – engaging our own creativity to draw ourselves into more peace and abundance, into better relationships, into more fruitful endeavors.
We don’t want to operate in the realm of cause-effect. We want to rise above it and dig below it.
In doing so, you can be free to make a decision not from a place of pain, but from a place of empowerment. It could very well be the same decision but it may unfold quite differently.
Let’s pull apart the layers of this process:
1. What do you think you want?
First, articulate what you are reaching for without judging it. Write it down and describe all the elements. Here we care more about the implications of having it rather than what it is specifically.
For example, I may be reaching for an advanced degree. In addition to mapping out all the details of getting that degree, I need to be explicit about why I am reaching for it. I’ll make a list of all the practical things this will afford me (better career options, higher pay), but more importantly I’ll make a list of all the soft benefits and expectations as I imagine them: how I think I will feel once I have this; how I think I’ll live differently once I have this.
Paint a full picture of life as you imagine it because of this thing – whether it’s a new office, different clients, having children, etc.
What does your soul get from this picture? How are you nourished by this, if at all?
2. What are the rest of your if-thens?
Usually a craving for change involves more than just one big element. Dump all of your “if-thens” associated with change onto paper.
“If I have that job, then I will be able to travel more.”
“If I have that certificate then I will be able to charge more.”
“If I have time for travel then I will write my book.”
“If I take that course I will feel more valuable and worthy.”
“If my business partners with that business, I will have more credibility.”
3. What do you actually desire?
Now, take a look at the picture you’ve painted and start to give weight to the benefits you are seeking rather than the tangible changes. Maybe it’s confidence, or discipline, or a sense of purpose. Maybe it’s room to be creative or time to finish a project. For many of us it’s respect in our industry or a diversified revenue stream.
In place of the thing you are grasping for – the degree, the house, the office – make a list of the qualities or benefits making that change will bring to you. This is what you are actually after.
4. Prioritize
Once you write these down, separate them into two categories: Core Drivers, Peripheral Benefits. Be honest with yourself here. When we are struggling, we have a tendency to place peripheral benefits at the heart of our sense of purpose and desired outcomes and sideline the important stuff. Traveling twice a month is lovely, but it is probably not a core driver for your deepest sense of fulfillment.
Prioritizing what we are after helps us to understand what is driving our big decisions that maybe shouldn’t be – and what is missing from the heart of our quest, making it a fruitless and frustrating one.
When we are moved to make change from a place of pain (what we are lacking, not getting, missing) we tend to make our goals up from desires that are peripheral to lasting joy and peace rather than central.
Is the life you are trying to craft in your mind made up of peripheral components for joy and purpose, or central ones?
5. What’s in the way? (aka stop depriving yourself)
Now we start to look at which elements of what you desire you can easily create in your life today. What can you do right now to activate the energy you seek? What is asking for your attention? What have you been putting off? How can you get into action in the present moment to clear a path for the future vision to show up inside of?
Here’s where we get real about the habits of avoidance and deprivation.
If what I seek is always “over there” or tied to specific preset conditions, then I am reinforcing the idea that I cannot have what I seek in the present moment. I cannot be at peace. I don’t deserve to celebrate my wins. I shouldn’t put myself out there yet. Not until I have that thing.
Yet it is this very thinking that limits our possibilities and keeps us playing small. If my vision is a place I need to “get to” then it will always be unattainable. But if it is something I am willing to work to create right now, it becomes a possibility. And I become grounded.
So, make a list of things you need to do, including all the unsexy boring tasks that are nagging at you. Add to that ways you can ignite some of the peripheral benefits in your life today. There’s no need to wait for the mansion in Jackson Hole to start hiking in the wilderness. That’s insane thinking.
6. Understanding Intention vs Integrity
If I am so focused on the outcome I desire, I will often overlook immediate tasks and commitments if they don’t seem to lead me explicitly to that outcome. And this is where we fall out of integrity.
And integrity is the key to momentum. It uses right action to unlock the next best thing. It helps you bring that sense of peace closer to you rather than you thinking you have to go conquesting for it. Intention is a conversation about the future, and it’s the sword on which our integrity perils.
Ask yourself what you can do to move into more peace here and now. And do that. Even if you don’t like the answers.
Go through this process or adapt it to your own practice when contemplating that next big leap. Are you trying to fill a void? What are you really after?
